Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

Unless you've been living under a rock, or on the west coast, or in a different country, the east coast is buried under snow. What that means for me? Absolutely nothing. With no work or school there are no snow days. I get to sit and watch as dozens of people put up statuses of their horrid snow stories and think to myself, 'is that so important you had to put it on facebook?' That's been running through my head a lot lately. I've realized that the only reason I ever use the thing is to talk to about 4 different people and usually put Carrie quotes as my status. Thinking outside of myself the conclusion is - totally lame and pointless. All this fosters my thoughts to make me wonder:

Where did all my friendships go?

Short answer. I am a bad friend. I don't like talking on the phone. I also am horrible at planning things. I'm a follower not a leader. I admit it. However I feel like in the back of my head there is this voice saying 'it takes two to have a relationship'.  It does take two.  However sometimes one party lacks and the other has to compensate, otherwise you sink. I've sunk. Dozens of time. It's easy for me to point the finger of blame and say 'they are the reason for blah blah blah' but it's my fault too. The scary part: I'm usually OK with that. I've compensated friendships for video games or watching movies. I don't talk to a single guy from my high school. Four years together and nothing not a single one. (There was a brief 2 week period that involved a guy from my grade who found me on that dating site. However we aren't going to relive that period with the guy I've deemed 'Mac Boy'. He got this title because all he could talk about were Apple products. )

I know part of my problem is that I don't really talk. I sit there and let the other person talk. I have nothing exciting really going on in my life (or so I feel). So I don't sit there and drone on and on about things. I don't want to feel like a loser and only have TV and video games to talk about. So I don't talk. I don't feel like I'm an interesting person. So I don't even try. I didn't even call a 'friend' of mine on her birthday this week just because I had nothing to talk about. I'm boring and I feel a bit guilty about that. Solution- I avoid talking at all costs.

However all of this brings me to the main topic that has been eating me alive:

"Holding on to yesterdays, far, far too long"

Ten naive points for those who didn't automatically guess that was a Westlife lyric. Funny how a line from a love song is taking so out of context and articulates my life so well. I have an issue of not letting go. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. There was a time about a decade ago when I liked -well we'll call her- Cady. Mainly because this girl resembled the Mean Girl's Lindsay Lohan. Physically -kinda. Moving on to the point, I was in love with this girl for 5 years. Things changed the first time we went on a 'date'. It was to a school dance and she danced with just about every other guy and I realized her personality wasn't what I thought it was. Maybe she had changed over time and I wanted the old Cady, or maybe I just didn't know any better. At the time she was into smoking pot and drinking and I wasn't about that. But I still had a fond place in my heart, until 'Barbie' (yay fake names). Tall, skinny, tan, blond girl who was a year older than me and was gorgeous. She literally made me stutter the first time I talked to her. Needless to say she had a boyfriend, wait for the cliche, quaterback of the football team. In fact here is their picture from the yearbook:

She was nice to me though, we joked around, I even did her homework for her at one point. I am so that chump. Things never worked out. You knew this going into it, I knew it living it, and well I just allowed it. But in my head and heart I was OK with it. Those brief moments of laughing together felt nice. Well worth the unrequited love at the time. Now I think to myself you were such a douchebag for those girls. After 'Barbie' I basically was emotionally dead. It's hard to go from like in love, excited to wake up and go to school everyday, and feel amazing for brief moments that make you realize you're alive to nothing. At that point I never really liked anyone that strong. There was an odd crush here and there. Aka one guy in my economics class but we aren't going into that cause nothing ever happened. 

So jump ahead about 6 years. 6 years of really thinking you'd never, find someone, feel that intense head over heels feeling, feel complete. *insert montage of setting up online dating profile*. One day I saw a profile, it made me laugh and realize my profile made me sound like a twat. I messaged the guy and used those exact words. We started talking and after about 2 weeks. I was so happy. I thought I had found my first boyfriend. My life was litterally a Carrie Underwood lyric "I wake up feeling that my life's worth living. Can't recall when I last felt that way." It's the truth I was excited to be up at night talking to him and even more excited to wake up and talk to him again. But I think we all figured out who I'm referring to...Mike. Things obviously went tits up or the tone of this entry would be slightly more uplifting. *insert circular motion to the Westlife quote in bold* My point. There are 8 messages from Mike in my Facebook. All of which are affectionate. He called me babe and I loved it. Considering when other people have called me that I would yell I'm not a talking pig. I have this deep fear that if I delete those messages I will have no proof that anyone ever cared or liked me. I can't help but feel like if it never happens again I need to have something to know that there was a chance, there was hope, I was special even for 3 months. It's funny how my first message to him basically said he made me feel like a twat. I haven't talked to him in about 3 and a half months and he's making me feel like a twat for totally different reasons. 

I need to learn to let go. I hold on to the past and emotionally abuse myself for this deep rooted fear that I will never be happy. At 24 and no real relationship to speak of I can't tell if my fear is irrational or coming to fruition. I'm still out there trying. I really am.

Long story short, I hold on to yesterday because I had them. They were real. They were tangible. I think I've lost faith in the word tomorrow.

I guess now would be a good time for some updates to take my mind off all this crap:

Page views are down to about 63.

I've gotten 2 messages this week. One was the boring IM guy. He keeps iming me but I miss them cause I log on for 30 seconds then log off. The other from a guy who seems nice but physically I could never be attracted too. (I'm trying not to be so shallow but I can't help the way I feel. I've waited this long to try and date/get a relationship. I'm not going to settle for something that doesn't feel right.)

Hannibal-Home-School has removed his profile from the dating site. The morning after that conversation from the last entry took place. I'm not really surprised to be honest.

So right now I need all of you to help me

I really need to start going to bed earlier before I keep posting more emo shit like this...