Fork in the road

(Taken from http://rdj9.deviantart.com/art/Fork-In-The-Road-163636057)

This is where I'm at the big fork in the road. I know this sounds dramatic and it's stuff that I wanted but I'm so drained. There is a lot of emotional drama going on in my home. Various issues of relationships and injuries that are adding up to just annoyances and being tired. However the one issue that is driving me crazy is boys. I know I want guys to talk to me but I have one big common problem that is the proverbial fork in the road. I'm talking to someone and they only respond barely. So the question is do I continue to try and generate conversation or do I just let it die.

The issue with this guy is: He's somewhat cute, he has his act together -he has a job, can cook, and likes his animals, and he doesn't live too far from me. The site also said he's a 92% match. Well 92% doesn't feel so wonderful. He started the conversation by sending me a wink (which I think is tacky and pointless but to each his own) with a message that said 'hello'. This is our conversation from that point on till the current moment.

Me: Hey how's it going?
Him: slowly getting ready for work u?
Me: Just spent the day at the mall. Wanted to get a new jacket. Where do you work?
Him: I work at *store* in the *location* mall
Me: I'm in the process of job hunting. I just graduated from *college* in December. So I'm looking for a job/ studying for my GMATs to try and get into grad school.
Do you like your job? I always hear people complain about retail.
Him: I love my job its a lot of fun and I love people too
Me: So what's your specialty dish that you can make? His profile says he likes to cook about three times.
Him: meat loaf lol i make a lot of stuff


So as I sit here writing do I put myself through the motions of trying to drag conversation out of a guy? I mean in my head I think if he wanted to actually start a relationship (friend or otherwise) shouldn't he try to engage more? The reason I say it's a problem because there are so many other questions that go along with talking to a guy. Will we meet up? Does he like me? Does he want to be friends? Do I keep this going if he doesn't seem interested? Is he playing it cool? Should I play it cool? When do you call it quits?

What do you think Kristen?

Cute. But that doesn't help. Should I do what Kristen suggest and turn a blind unknowing shrug into the mix? Throw caution to the wind and proceed? Or just stand here unknowingly. For some reason I feel that last bit is the key. Why do work for something that I'm not entirely interested in. A date would be nice but it'd be a waste of time if I wasn't interested.

Dating is so stupid. I just need to keep remembering that things aren't that bad in the grand scheme. Things could be so much worse. Just hard to keep your head up all the time.

Random thing that made me laugh:

Who doesn't love a good 'Dick in a box' reference.

Hypocritical?

This entry may seem very hypocritical after my last post. I mentioned how I wanted a bromance similar to the ShNicky variety, but I have a problem with a friend who happens to like me more than a friend. His name for all intensive purposes is Ben. Ben is a guy a met on that dating site and we've been talking since about October maybe November. He's a very nice guy and asked me out for drink back then and I said no. the problem is I know when I like someone. I just feel that attraction and I feel like an idiot because my emotions go crazy. I know this recently because Mike reinforced that idea. I didn't get that with Ben. Nice guy, we have a ton in common, and he's incredibly easy to talk to, however I just don't like him as anything more than that.

Ben is funny because he actually used to date one of the guys I chatted up over the summer. Things turned out bad for him and the guy, and ended the same way my relationship with that guy ended. Always talking but never following through with the plans. It was always him never me or Ben.

So I know you're sitting here thinking ok what's the point? The point is Ben likes me as more than a friend. He's made that very clear saying that we should hang out and meet. My problem is I don't want to give him the wrong signals. I have told him numerous times that I'm not interested in him and that I just want to be friends. My hesitancy to meet him is that I think after hanging out he may like me more. I know how much that hurts to be in the friend zone and I don't want to agonize the boy if I can't return his feelings.

Examples. We'll text just about everyday and during conversations he'll say stuff like this (actually texts from him, my words are paraphrased)

Ben: About you being a huge nerd that's falling in love with me?
Me: We haven't even met yet.
Ben: Yet being the operative word...we could be the first couple that fell in love via text haha
Me: You're a unique individual unlike any other (got that line from this fella)

Alec from Dark Angel who used that line instead of saying I love you. However it has the same effect in the show as it did with Ben.

Ben: Do you love me is that what you're saying?
Me:  No I'm not in love with you.
Ben: So you're saying you don't love me? I don't buy it


Earlier in the conversation he said:
Ben: That's not the info my PI provided me with
Me: What info?
Ben: Family history, blood type, cock size...that type of thing

He also said earlier that I was a bad person or something like that:
Me: Oh I'm sorry I'll have to work on that. Any other problem areas?
Ben: Your frigid personality? Followed by your inability to love

Like I said he's a nice guy but like he's making it so painfully obvious he likes me. When we talked last week he made mention of how he won't say he likes me anymore because when he does I stop talking to him. It's true I do. I don't know how to return or act normal to someone who has those feelings. I don't want to give the guy false hope. I have told him outright several times that I am not interested yet when we talk he still says stuff like that. It makes me feel guilty till I remember that no I'm not interested in anything more.

I don't think he could handle us hanging out, without it being awkward. I honestly believe that. So my question to all of you is: Should I continue to talk to him or not? What is the proper way to handle this situation without seeming like a huge dick?

This is how I feel right now:

A moment of clarity.

So I've had previous entries about feeling lost, how my friends I feel aren't really my friends, and how I'm at a loss of what to do about 'Neil'. Well tonight 'Jodi' called me. She and I had an hour long conversation about everything. Mainly about Neil. We both feel he's desperate for attention and how we both are tired of holding his hand. He needs to grow up and realize no one can change things but him.

As the conversation continued we talked about all our old time friends and how we feel they aren't our friends. We hang out with them but we feel there was no real depth to the friendships. We both felt like we couldn't be ourselves around them and how we loved our other friends but yearn for something more. We are stuck in a rut not meeting new people but are longing for true friendships. We realized that she and I were the only ones who were truly supportive and actually cared. It was a sad fact but felt good to hear so that all these thoughts in my head are real and other people feel and think them.

It was the most reassuring conversation I've had in a while. I'm glad to know I'm not crazy when it comes to these topics. It was a good motivation for me to pursue European grad school. I need to shake up my life. Yes I'll be somewhat like 'Neil' although I can take social ques he can't.

I'd love to say the real reason I'm going to grad school is to further my education. That's part of it...a small part. The real reason is I'm looking for friends. I'm hoping I'll meet new people who are genuine and are actually worthwhile. The Irish accents won't hurt but I'm kinda hoping I'll get something like this

Someone when I'm drunk out of my mind they are just as bad and yet we still help each other stagger through the pub and make our way home. Drink shit loads of beer, eat pizza, and talk shit. The typical bromance.  Like I said an Irish accent wouldn't hurt. I'm not looking for perfect. There's no such thing. I'm looking for people who like to have a good time and are genuine. That's it. But in all reality if I'm spending all that money on school I should actually...try my best in school. Damn it my tea  has gone cold. Literally. And on that note I'm done.

(is anyone else as disappointed with the lack of good photos recently as I am?)

I SEE EWE!

No. Seriously I see ewe...

Ok let's play a game: Guess where this photo came from.

*insert Jeopardy music here*

TIMES UP!

The correct answer is: It was a profile picture on a dating site! Congratulations!  You're just as creeped out as I am!

Here's the little blurb explaining it...

Here's the thing about that. I get the not being out of the closet thing but why go looking for a date? Why not put up a picture of just your jawline as discussed in a previous post.

Human and still sexy all at the same time. No one knows who you are but at least you're a guy with a nice pair of lips.  I wish I had taken a picture of it, this one guy had it beautifully explained about not having a real picture something to the effect of 'Not having a picture on a dating website is like walking into a bar with a bag over your head. Who wants to connect with that?' Ain't that the truth. Now I'm sure in the back of your minds you're thinking well how did I stumble upon sheep boy...he has looked at my profile at least once a day for the past week.

Of course now that I'm sitting here writing my mind has become completly blank as to what I was going to talk about. Probably that I haven't studied for my GMAT's in two days or that I finished Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. 

Oh I did see a cool post on Yahoo News how Dublin is one of the cheapest travel destinations. The whole country is 7% cheaper than it was in 2009. So hopefully that percent will keep increasing till I move and live there.

Obsession of the week:
The Biggest Loser. You know what it is. Look it up on Hulu. I quit on this entry.

The Value of Growing Up

From the time I was like 10 I knew what I wanted out of life. To get married, have a house, and have kids. I never saw the type of 9 to 5, or the car in my garage. I just knew I wanted to have a wife and kids that I would love more than anything else in this world. Well things change (like gender desire) although sometimes deep down the idea of a wife is more appealing than the reality of a life with a guy. But that's not the point of this entry. I've been lucky to know what I want out of relationships however many people are lucky to know what they want to do in their career. Then there are those who are floating through life. From the time I was 12 I had the mentality of a 30 year old. I find drama ridiculous (unless it's on Jerry Springer or trash TV) and try to live free and easy. No one tells me what to do so why should I tell others. Live and let live. I'm incredibly happy that end the end of the day I'm comfortable (for the most part) with who I am and the kind of person I want to be. However someone who I will consider a 'friend' and will call him Neil for the rest of this entry (I only chose Neil because the first random name that popped into my head was Neil Sadaka and breaking up IS hard to do)

So a brief back history on Neil. He moved here to be with his girlfriend. She dumped him like the first week he was here. He didn't have a real job or anything. Fast forward a month he gets a stable job. I feel bad for Neil and take him in, aka hang out once a week, help him when his car dies, talk to him and text. The casual friend thing. He says he needs to meet people and against my better judgment I introduce him to my circle of friends. (I have a thing about mixing groups it never works). So a few weeks after introducing them I found out that Neil hung out with my friends and didn't even bother to invite me. Shady I know. I moved on. If he needs to do that to feel special go ahead. One night he threw Mike in my face when he was hanging out with me and my sister. I specifically asked him not to talk about my relationships or anything in front of anyone. That's a huge violation of trust and was uncalled for but I over looked it. I wanted to start crap but I wanted to be the better person. Considering he deemed me his 'best friend'. Unfortunately I don't feel the same. This has really been put to the test with his contant negativity. He lives alone, doesn't care for his job so much, and is desperate and I do mean desperate for a relationship. I say this because every girl he meets/talks to he's interested in. That is a personality trait I cannot stand. Know what you like, and go after it.  If you like that many different people in a short span of time it boils down to one thing: you don't know what you want.

On top of being a flake when it comes to girl taste, he gets very down on himself. He always puts himself down and complains about how lonely he is. So he has taken a liking for a friend of mine who we shall name Jodi. (again first name that came to mind for a girl.) Jodi is a total sweetheart and a flirt. She was trying to be nice to Neil and make him feel welcome since he didn't have anybody. Now Jodi used to date Roddy. Roddy and Jodi are broken up however still best friends. Now Neil can't handle his jealous behaviors. Everytime Roddy is around Neil goes on lock down on does stupid stuff, like pretending to be sick and leaving a group dinner and texting sarcastic things to Jodi. Or walk out of a bar at 11 at night in a bad area for 45 mins till Jodi begged for him to come back just for fear of his safety. ALL BECAUSE HE CAN'T HANDLE HIS JEALOUSY. It's annoying and completly childish. He started so much shit. The problem is not that he made a mistake but how he handled it. He says shit like this.

Here are the actual texts/conversations - * Indicate my responses
I know it was childish and stupid and im fucked
Feel free to tell me how stupid I am
Well I'm a failure and probably lost all my friends in one go. Someone come slit my throat.
*I said that was childish and you need to man up and fix your mistake*
I know. Guess I'm paying for it now. Sorry if you don't want to know me anymore.
Dude I'm sorry I really am, I didn't try and play some game I really just don't like being jealous and its easyto see. was just trying to be better to everyone else.
*Because walking out of the bar isn't obvious?*
Well that's why I'm an idiot.
I wish I could just crawl up under something and die.
Im an idiot but she forgives me. I hate my life sometimes because the only people I care about here I pissed off tonight.
*You should learn to smile and hide your jealousy like the rest of us*
Next time I'll just hide it like everything else.

That night he caused so much drama over nothing. So this is a conversation from like a week after he left the bar like a knob.

Neil: so Weezer will be in AC on my birthday
lol

Me:i thought you were hatched not born
don't ewoks come from eggs?

Neil:we do
but that was either the day i was laid
or when i hatched
oh wait must be hatched
cause i've never been laid


Me: lawlz

Neil:thought you'd like that
eh its funny but sad

Me: don't let it bother you
it'll happen when it's supposed to


Neil: eh i've stopped caring to be honest. I'm just tired of being bored/alone
i'm either pissed, sad, or lonely lately
and its getting old


Me: i don't know what to tell you bub

Neil:i know
its not a big deal
i'll get over it

Me: apparently not if this is a reoccurring issue

Neil:not really reoccuring
eh i dunno
it happens
i get over it

I'm not joking when I say that conversations/pity parties happen at least once a week. Like if he isn't in a relationship or addicted to some girl he's never happy. I have to given him a million ideas and supported everything he's ever suggested.

Herein lies my problem: How do I handle him? I'm so tired of trying to boost his morale. He has become a drain. Yes he has been a good friend. He tried to make my birthday nice and is always willing to play DD because he doesn't drink, but at the same time he's an emotional drain. For the first 5 months I knew him he was up my ass everyday with texting/wanting to hang out. His personality is that of a know it all which is my biggest pet peeve in life. You don't know everything stop acting like it. I know he has no one which is why I haven't told him off or been cross with him, however it's getting to the point where he's upsetting my group of friends that I've had for about 15 years. I can't have that. I invited him to Christmas and have tried to include him but he just doesn't fit most times. I have no idea what to do. I don't want to be rude and crush him but at the same time my patience is wearing incredibly thin. I'd like to think I'm a better person but I don't think it's true.

On a better note I wrote a new chapter in my London Life story. I also am half way done Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Man shopping has been somewhat dull the past few days. I'm sure I'll have something to talk about in the next couple days. There's always weird boys out there.

Random picture just because this entry is incredibly light on them.

Jensen explains it perfectly. What the hell should I do?

*Clever Name*

Ok as many of you may or may not know, but I am a firm believer in showing interest. If you are going to mail/IM someone you could potentially befriend/date you should be specific in your messages.

 

This message was engaging, simple, and a challenge. He is pretty much saying you know lets talk and find some common ground. No expectations included. *Note I did not respond because what isn't shown here is the fact that Mikey was close to 300 lbs.

 Here is an example of how things go bad

Now I'm sure a lot of you are thinking how is this bad? Here's some of the problems. 

1. There is no mention of his name anywhere in the message

2. He does not specifically mention anything that peaked his interest

3. 'I will always put my man first in my life' decodes to "I will be up your ass"

4. What better life? Mentally this is what I question:

Training monkeys? 

 (taken from http://www.asylum.com/2008/12/19/primate-payback-performing-monkeys-get-revenge/)

Having kids?

 (taken from http://sflchronicle.com/2010/09/o-m-g-attack-of-the-gingers/)

Living in a double wide?

(taken from http://www.dvorak.org/blog/2010/10/21/texas-candidate-for-guv-promises-to-move-into-a-double-wide-trailer-if-elected/)

So as if that message wasn't annoying. 

 At this time I'd like for all of you to scroll up to the previous message and look at the right side for the time stamp. *Waits patiently for you to scroll*

Welcome back! So a month later and he sends me the same message. Last month I just ignored him completely. We all know what happens:

Boys are the same way. You give them validation next thing you know they are chatting you up wanting to text and go to dinner like they are your boyfriend. That's no bueno. So after my shock of getting the same exact message 2 times from the same dude. A dude who looks like the spawn of:

 Cindy Lou Who

And

A baby elephant. (Aww bby elephant)

I know that sounds mean and childish but it's somewhat true. There is room for debate based on artistic vision.

Anyway back to the message. I ignored the first one. The second one I felt needed a response so here's what I said:

To which he responded

Ouch. I just schooled by an inarticulate whophant. (Whophant: The spawn of Cindy Lou Who and a Baby Elephant)

Some days I wonder if I'm too picky. Other days I wonder if I just have standards...

Motivation

It's Feb 1st. Time has been flying by. I've been out of school for about a month and a half now. Lets see what's changed.

Still single.
Still the same weight.
Still haven't applied to schools.
Still haven't worked on any of my stories.

As you have read I am trying with the whole dating thing. I had my life coach aka my best friend sit down and go through 100 pages of profiles so around 400 guys. There were only about 5 or 6 that seemed interesting. She told me I was picky. I told her about the bullcrap. Needless to say at this point my views are declining and my interesting in dating is going down as well. I'm not going to concern myself as much as I have been. It's not worth it.

About the weight. At 170lbs it's not about me loosing weight, but more getting in shape. I know I eat all the wrong foods but I do run on the treadmill everyday for an hour. So again with the help of my life coach I've gotten a few tips to help me see results. Today was the first day of drinking just water. Hopefully I can keep this up.

I haven't applied to any schools because I haven't taken my GMATS yet. And I haven't taken those yet because 1. I didn't register like I was supposed to and 2. I didn't start studying like I should have.

My stories, the thing is I wanted to work on Senior Year. Although I haven't had any great ideas to inspire me to write. Then I got ideas for my other stories and I haven't sat down and wrote those out yet. My desire lies with my PlayStation to sit there and just play games all day.

So as I sit here at standstill I can't deem myself a failure. I just can't give myself any form of credit. What I feel like doing is crawling into bed and doing nothing. Although I have nothing to watch considering I've finished the entire series of: Jackie Chan Adventures, The Secret Diaries of a Call Girl, Hoarders, and Being Erica. And I also beat Final Fantasy X.

This is what I want to play.
However I feel like I should be studying for my GMATs or writing. It's hard for me to actually feel motivated. I need to get that inner fire burning. Cause right now it just isn't there...